What If?
by McDreamy's Post-It Wife
Summary: Series of oneshots about how life could have been different for Meredith and Derek. Inspired by Derek's theory that life can change in a split second.
1. Chapter 1

**What If? – Chapter 1**

**A.N: So, here I go again! I didn't think I would write anything else after my first attempt at a story but this idea would not go away so I wrote it down. My new motto is to write things down as soon as I think of them because I tend to have ideas in the middle of the night and then forget them by morning! Anyway, that's not really relevant or interesting! So this is a series of oneshots inspired by what Derek says in 3x01 about how things can change in a split second – these are just ideas about what life could have been like for Meredith and Derek if things had been different. Each chapter is an individual 'what if', and they won't be in chronological order! Everything that happened on the show happened in my chapters up to the point where the chapter begins (which I'm going to try and make a line from the show). You're smart people, you'll get the idea. Enjoy!**

**What if Rose had never transferred to paediatrics in Dream a Little Dream of Me (5x02)?**

Rose approached Derek after the surgery, whispers about Fatal Attraction following her down the hall. "I'm sorry about the hand" she blurted. "These things happen" Derek replied without looking up. "Not to me they don't. Or they didn't before you existed for me. I was known as a damn good scrub nurse before you. And I will be again. I know you expect me to run Derek, but I'm not going anywhere. I won't let you and that little tart drive my out". "Stop right there" Derek interrupted, his voice low and threatening, "you can be angry at me, I deserve it, but you do _not_ get to talk about Meredith that way. She is by far the best thing in my life and none of this is her fault – it's mine. So, Rose, let me give you some advice which will help the two of us get along a little easier – if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything. And," he added as he turned to walk away "if I ever hear you talk about Meredith like that again, you will be leaving and you won't get a choice". And with that Derek stormed off leaving Rose to process the mistake she had just made.

Later that day Meredith rounded the corner and noticed her boyfriend (she was still getting used to calling him that after everything) leaning against the nurse's station. He looked tired, pinching the bridge of his nose as if he was trying to fight off a headache. "Hey" she said quietly. "Hey" he replied his face brightening instantly but his eyes still looked tired. "So, in the interest of being all whole and healed and trusting you, what's wrong?" Meredith asked "because you look upset and we're communicating so I'm asking. Is this because I said I wasn't sure about moving in together?" Derek chuckled, "No, it's Rose" he said and immediately regretting leading with that as Meredith tensed. "No, no, no Meredith it's not that," he corrected quickly and she relaxed. "Good, because I'm still trying to trust you and that would not be good for the trusting and the healing. So what is it?" Derek sighed trying to think of the words that were least likely to make Meredith want to hurt him. Her fists may have been tiny and ineffectual but they could still do some damage especially when fuelled by Rose-related anger, but then he couldn't really blame her – he'd been feeling a little of that himself. "She's staying" Derek said it quickly and then waited for the pain to start, but nothing happened. Meredith was calm, if anything, she was a little confused. "Staying where?" "Here, as a surgical scrub nurse" "Okay...Derek, why is this news?" Comprehension suddenly dawn on Meredith's face and she giggled "you thought she'd leave, didn't you? Or at least transfer?" Derek looked sheepish, "well Mark said that I need to break up with her professionally as well as personally." Meredith laughed, "I know I'm not an expert on this whole relationship thing but I'm fairly certain that Mark Sloan is not the best person to be handing out relationship advice, besides if he broke up with people professionally as well as personally he wouldn't have any scrub nurses at all!" She paused, becoming serious, "Derek, you don't just leave because your boyfriend broke up with you, otherwise I would have been on a plane the minute Addison showed up. I know Rose was a little crazy with the saying I love you after about 5 dates..." "She said she loved me?!" "That is so not the point right now," Derek's lips curved into a smug smile and Meredith rolled her eyes. "The point.." she continued slapping his arm playfully "is that you...are really not that good looking so it won't be hard for her to resist you." She said this in a way which suggested she had just solved all of the world's problems and Derek laughed. "I'll have you know Doctor Grey, that even though I'm not wearing my good looking red shirt, which you found completely irresistible, I am generally considered to be very attractive." Meredith raised a sceptical eyebrow and smiled trying to ignore the fact that Derek was leaning towards her and knowing that if he came much closer common sense would go out of the window and she would end up kissing Derek senseless at the nurse's station. But just at that moment Bailey came round the corner "Shepherd, I'm sure the Chief isn't paying you to stand there and look pretty. Grey, I need a resident." As Meredith moved away she heard Derek murmuring something about who was whose boss but then he came up behind her and whispered "see, Bailey thinks I'm pretty" "Sure she does" grinned Meredith as she hurried down the hall after Bailey.

The relief that Derek felt at Meredith's reaction to the news that Rose would still be around was replaced with a sense of dread when he has scrubbing in for surgery the next day and looked up to see Rose prepping the OR. While he was contemplating how he would act around her and how he was going to avoid getting stabbed again Meredith walked in and started to scrub in. "Bailey said you needed a resident" she said in response to his confused look. "I did but I thought Karev was working on this case." Meredith raised her eyebrows, "are you saying that you'd rather spend _hours_ in the OR working in _very_ close proximity to Alex?" Derek shot her their 'look' and Meredith was sure if there hadn't been a room full of people just the other side of the glass one of them would have been well on their way to being naked by now but Derek's look quickly changed to one of concern. "First of all, you are the only resident whom I like to spend hours pressed up against. And secondly, the only reason I asked is that I didn't want you to be uncomfortable." As he said this he tilted his head towards the OR where Meredith saw Rose giving her a glare which made her certain that if looks could kill Derek would currently be calling a code to try and revive her. "Derek, I'll be fine. I probably thought far worse about her when the two of you were dating, I'm the dark and twisty one remember?" She chuckled but Derek stayed serious "I'm sorry you had to see us together. You didn't deserve that. I'm surprised _you_ never cut me with a scalpel." "Wait, that was Rose? That was how you cut your hand? Wow, she really is a little bit crazy." Glancing over at Rose again Meredith had an idea; she took Derek's injured hand in her own and gently kissed the scar left by the scalpel. Derek smiled, "I'm going to have to scrub in again now" he whined. Then he leant over and kissed Meredith softly on the cheek and whispered "it was worth it though." When Derek finally joined her in the OR he realised that it actually didn't matter that Rose was standing on his left, it could have been anyone. What actually mattered was that it was Meredith who was standing on his right.

The following evening Derek was slouched in one of the chairs in the lobby. Although his patient had lived it had been a long surgery, full of complications and all he really wanted to do now was go back to Meredith's house and curl up in bed with her. Although, technically it was his house now too. Meredith had been nervous when she has first asked Derek to move in but they had soon settled into a comfortable routine, taking baby steps, part of which was Derek waiting for Meredith when his shift ended. As he heard footsteps approach he looked up smiling but his face fell when he saw it wasn't Meredith standing in front of him. "Doctor Shepherd," Rose's smile was sickly sweet and Derek's gaze was drawn to the large piece of black liquorish which was stuck in Rose's teeth but he said nothing. "What can I do for you Rose?" he asked tiredly. "Been stood up?" she giggled batting her eyelashes. "No he hasn't" came a voice from behind him and he felt her hand on his shoulder. Smiling, he turned to face Meredith and mouthed _thank you_ while gathering his things. "Are you ready to go sweetie?" Meredith asked. "Sorry to drag him away Rose, it's just that Derek moved in and our roommates are on call tonight so we really can't wait to get back and have the whole house to ourselves." Derek's eyebrows shot up so far they almost disappeared into his hair but Rose was oblivious to Derek's surprise at Meredith's behaviour because she was too bust giving Meredith a death-stare which Meredith was returning with equal venom. Derek grabbed Meredith's hand and pulled her away before the violence that seemed to be on the verge of breaking out actually happened. As they walked away Derek murmured "did you just call me sweetie?" "I did but it was just to make a point and if you ever tell Cristina I said it, I _will_ be the one stabbing you with a scalpel." Derek laughed out loud and pulled Meredith towards him and captured her lips in a kiss that was rapidly passing the PG-13 boundary when Cristina Yang's voice rang out across the lobby "Get a room! This is a hospital; you're making the sick people even sicker. No one needs to see that!" Derek and Meredith continued on their way laughing but just before they reached the door Meredith turned back towards Rose who stood rooted to the spot watching them "Oh, and Rose...you have something in your teeth." And with that she led Derek out of the hospital without looking back, leaning into the fear to get her happy ending.

**A.N: I guess the point I wanted to make here was that it actually doesn't matter whether Rose is there or not (believe me I am not disagreeing with Shonda's decision to get rid of her). But for Derek, it doesn't matter because he has (finally!) made the right choice and Meredith is the only one he cares about having next to him. And Meredith...well, she's just having a little fun! Please drop me a line and let me know what you think!**


	2. Chapter 2

**What if? – Chapter 2**

**What if Addison had chosen to leave with Mark at the end of Yesterday 2x18? **

Meredith stood in her room, staring at the rain and cursing herself for allowing herself to hope. Stupid Mark – when has her life ever been as simple as he made it seem? Meet perfect man, he produces perfect, impossible to hate, Isabella Rossellini look-a-like wife. Meet father for the first time in twenty years, he thinks you need money. Mark 'stupid' Sloan says what if life comes down on the side of the dirty mistresses and you _actually_ wait and even worse, you hope. Even though you know that the last time you sat in Joe's waiting and hoping it all went to hell, there was even a damn train crash, if that's not a sign, what is?

She had left Mark in Joe's knowing that is she heard that little bell at the door ring one more time to see someone who wasn't Derek entering she was probably going to rip the bell off of the door and beat Mark with it for making her hope. Now here she was, in her room, alone, without hope.

Someone knocked softly on the door and, too tired to tell whoever it was to go away she called quietly for them to come in. Whoever it was stepped into the room and closed the door without saying anything. 'That rules out Izzie – she would be talking by now' though Meredith with a wry smile. She was like Derek in that respect – chatty. 'So it must be George' but before she could turn around she felt him move to stand behind her, close enough to feel them but not quite touching. She couldn't explain how she knew it was him – she just knew, which was stupid because she was not the sort of girl who believed in this lovey-dovey-I-can-feel-you-before-I-see-you crap. Meredith shivered slightly and resisted the urge to pinch herself to make sure this was happening. The last time someone had stood so close to her it was in an elevator and she has spoken first.

"I miss you". He spoke so softly that Meredith wasn't even sure she'd heard it. She began to turn around, closing her eyes, knowing that if she opened them it would turn out to be a dream because that's how things worked for her. "Meredith.." her said her name, in that way that only he could, his voice was soft and low and Meredith suddenly found herself wondering where he learned to do that...was there some kind of class? How to say a woman's name in a way that melts her into a big pile of goo -101?

"Meredith..." he said it again, more insistent this time. She waited, just for a second, holding on to the dream for a little bit longer and opened her eyes. She jumped slightly as her eyes met her piercing blue ones; she really had expected it to be George thinking that hearing and feeling Derek was just a side effect of excessive hope or that she has conjured him up to help her through, just as she had on the day of the bomb.

"This is real", she murmured. Derek chuckled softly.

"Yes"

"You're here"

"Yes"

"Mark was actually right, she's gone hasn't she?" she said, more to herself than to Derek because somehow she just knew that Addison had met Mark at Joe's and that they were currently making plans to return to New York.

"Meredith, I'm..." Derek began, uncharacteristically nervous but Meredith cut him off. "I don't want to make tapes on my death bed Derek, it's in the past". As she leaned in, putting her hand on his chest, she allowed herself a small smile, thanking whoever it was who controlled stuff like this for allowing, just this once, for life to come down on the side of the dirty mistresses.

**A.N: So the super observant of you will have probably noticed that this chapter is the ending of my first attempt at a story 'Life on the side of the dirty mistresses' – I've included it as a chapter here with some minor changes because I feel it fits with the whole 'What if' theme so apologies to those who have read it before.**

**I would love to hear what you think so please review and also feel free to offer suggestions for 'What ifs' - I'm trying to think of some funny ones because a lot of what I love about Grey's is in the humour plus I've never really written comedy before so it would be a challenge. I'm probably going to avoid season 1/early season 2 what ifs such as what if Derek had picked Meredith or what if Derek had told Meredith about Addison mainly because it's been done before and far better than I could ever hope to write.**


	3. Chapter 3

**What If? – Chapter 3**

**Disclaimer: Oops! Forgot this for the first two chapters – anyway clearly I do not own Grey's Anatomy otherwise I would not be sitting at home job hunting on a Monday afternoon!**

**A.N: Wow! Thank you so much to all those who reviewed and put alerts on this story – it really made my day! It's also given my confidence a much needed boost. Also thanks for the suggestions for more 'what ifs' – I'm hoping to have time to use a couple of them – keep them coming. So here's another what if starting with one of my all time favourite MerDer scenes – I have never seen so much emotion conveyed using so few words, Patrick and Ellen did such an amazing job. Anyway here goes...**

**What if the elevator had stopped after Meredith says 'I miss you' at the end of Let It Be (2x08)?**

"I miss you"

There, she'd said it. She couldn't meet his eyes as she got on an elevator again that day and not say it. Especially now when he looked so...well, broken was the only way to describe it. This was her taking charge of her own fate. She was fighting back. If fate wanted her to keep being left alone with Derek Shepherd, in an elevator no less, then she was going to say the one thing that could tip the scales in her favour. And now, he knew. He needed to know, because he was her otter or vole or whatever other creature Esme had said when she was talking about animals that mate for life.

Derek, standing just behind her was desperately fighting the impulse to wrap his arms around her tiny frame and tell her everything was going to be okay, that he missed her as well, and that she wasn't the only one living in this hellish state of longing. He took a deep breath, her flowery scent overwhelming his senses. He leaned closer, craving more but also savouring her nearness, knowing that he only had a few seconds before the chiming of the elevator would bring him crashing back to reality. As she flinched away the rational part of Derek's brain sprang back to life and started screaming 'married' over and over. An overwhelming feeling of hopelessness came over Derek until he managed to choke out two words - "I can't."

Derek began to move forward to exit the elevator but before the doors could open there was a sudden jerk. Derek and Meredith were thrown sideways and the elevator was plunged into complete darkness. Derek winced as he pulled himself into a sitting position, "Meredith, are you alright?" he asked feeling around him for some idea of where she was but he jumped back when she yelled in surprise.

"Sorry," Derek apologized quickly "I was just trying to see if you were okay"

"By groping me?" Meredith quipped back more angry at herself than him for the feelings his accidental groping had stirred up inside of her.

"Clearly," Derek shot back "I didn't do it on purpose. I couldn't see where you were"

They both sat fuming silently for a few seconds before Derek said softly "are you hurt?"

"No, not physically anyway" Meredith muttered the last part under her breath, while silently cursing her own stupidity for allowing herself to say the three words she should have known would make karma bite her in the ass by getting her stuck in an elevator, in the dark, with the one man she couldn't have. She allowed silent tears to spill over and run down her cheeks taking comfort in the fact that Derek couldn't see her. Derek heard the last part and a fresh pang of guilt shot through him. The silence was broken again by the shrill beep of a pager and they were both briefly illuminated by the tiny light coming from the screens. "It's me" Derek said glancing up and noticing the tears which were rolling down Meredith's cheeks. "Mer..."

"Just don't Derek" she said swiping the tears away with her hands. "Who's paging you anyway? Someone who could help us get out of here?"

Derek sighed and let it go, he had no right to demand an explanation for her tears especially when he was fairly sure he already knew what it was. "It's the Chief. I'll try phoning him. I don't think the alarm button is working – or at least it won't be if you keep hitting it with that much force." Derek smiled at the sound of Meredith furiously pressing every button on the console as hard as she could. She was muttering words that he didn't even know could come from her and chuckled "Dr Grey, that language is highly inappropriate" he teased and Meredith smiled knowing that Derek couldn't see her. In the dark Meredith felt it was okay to let her guard down, on one could see her, no one had to know. It was what she told herself laying in the dark when she couldn't sleep – if no one can see you, it doesn't have to be real. Meredith was growing to like the dark; it was a time of strange unreality for her – she used it to dream, to think about the way her life would have been if Derek had picked her or if Addison had never existed. Though she was smiling her voice remained cold when she replied "just phone the Chief already. I need to get out of here."

Derek's phone cast an eerie green glow across his face as he scrolled through his contacts looking for the right number. Meredith noticed the dark circles round his eyes, made even more prominent by the glow from the phone. His face was still handsome but he looked worn and haggard, like he wasn't getting enough sleep. He was still McDreamy just not _her_ McDreamy.

"Richard...I know you paged me, that's why I'm calling...I'm stuck in one of the elevators...the power must have gone, there's not light and the alarm's not working...No, Mer..I mean, Dr Grey is with me...Okay, thanks Richard." Derek flipped his phone shut and the last light in the elevator was snuffed out leaving them alone in the darkness. Meredith manoeuvred herself so that she was sitting with her back against the wall opposite the spot where she assumed Derek was and sighed "we're going to be here a while aren't we?"

"You know Richard; he was probably trying to save money for some new machine and after the power went out last time he was supposed to replace the back-up generator but whatever company he chose to do it said they were so busy that the work would have to wait three weeks"

"So no new back-up generator, the elevator breaks again, we're stuck here until they can get someone out here to get the doors open...great!"

As they lapsed into silence again Meredith started once again to think about fate, it got her this time – maybe she should take the chance she had been given, take advantage of the darkness so that when they stepped out of the elevator Derek could actually know what she was feeling without it having to be real outside of this elevator. Leaving the elevator would be like waking up from a dream, except unlike when she was dreaming she was in control of what happened here.

But before she had a chance to speak Derek said "I _can't_ miss you, it's not that I don't miss you, because I do - you have no idea how much, but I can't, because I'm married. He slammed his hand against the floor next to him in sheer frustration. "I have all these feelings and I can't tell anyone because of this ring, because I made promises. Promises that _she_ couldn't even respect enough to keep but that she uses against me whenever she can..." Derek paused unsure of whether or not he had gone too far but Meredith spoke up. "It's okay Derek, this elevator...it's Vegas, anything you say stays in here. It's easier to admit what you actually feel when no one can see you, it seems less real."

As his eyes adjusted to the dark he could just make out Meredith slouched against the elevator wall opposite. Carefully, like he was approaching a wild animal that could run away at any moment, he moved across to sit beside her, their bodies just touching and she didn't move away. The contact between them was making Meredith's head go cloudy; she couldn't think straight, it was like she had had too much tequila only she wouldn't have to deal with the hangover.

"You're a good man, Derek. Keeping a promise. You wouldn't be you if you weren't trying to save your marriage. It means I wasn't wrong about you." As soon as the words left her mouth she wondered where they had come from, was she really encouraging Derek to stay with his wife, to keep trying? The world had obviously gone mad – here she was, stuck in an elevator with the man she had been pining for for weeks, drunk on his body's proximity to her and she was telling him to go home to his wife. If it was happening to anyone else she would have thought it was funny but it wasn't. Once again, Meredith Grey had the universe laughing at her – sticking her in an elevator with the man she loved knowing, all the while, that the doors of the elevator opened he had a wife waiting for him – whatever got said, however many feelings were revealed, at the end of the day he would be going home with somebody else.

"What if I regret my choice?"

The words hung in the air between them as if they were encased in a cartoon speech bubble.

"You can't Derek. Not now. Not when I know as soon as we leave this elevator and get back to reality you won't regret it at all." Anyone observing this scene would have sworn that they heard two hearts shatter at that moment. Meredith, thanking her lucky stars that it was dark allowed her tears to fall freely and it wasn't until she felt Derek's shoulders shudder next to her that she realised he was doing the same. Meredith suddenly thought that maybe she wasn't the only one who was broken; slowly she put her hand against his cheek and brushed the tears away. Derek caught her hand in his and held it there as he leaned towards Meredith and kissed her so lightly she wasn't even sure it had happened.

At that moment the lights flickered back to life and the elevator shuddered and finished its descent. Meredith and Derek scrambled to their feet and tried to make themselves presentable. When the doors opened Addison practically flew into the elevator and threw her arms around Derek. "I'm fine, Addie, it was just a broken down elevator" Derek said watching Meredith over her shoulder. Meredith exited the elevator slowly, completely used to the fact that once the lights came on fantasies dissolved. She simply nodded her head at Derek, said "good night, Dr Shepherd" and made her way to the locker room, grateful that she didn't meet anyone on the way.

That night Meredith lay on her bed face turned towards the window watching the rain as it trickled down the window. Car headlights shone through the window illuminating the room briefly before they continued on their way, then one stopped outside the house, the lights blazing into the dark room and not fading like the others had done – someone had stopped outside the house. Knowing Izzie and George were both on call Meredith dragged herself out of bed and made her way downstairs reaching the bottom just as the doorbell rang. She opened the door to find Derek, still in his navy blue scrubs standing expectantly on her front porch. "Derek, what are you doing here?"

"I just come from the hospital, obviously" he gestured to his appearance "I wanted to see you before you left but I had things to take care of and by the time I'd finished you'd gone"

Meredith nodded and stepped aside allowing Derek into her house. She shut the door and turned to find Derek placing an envelope in her hands. She looked up confused. "Open it," he said gently. She broke the seal and looked inside. She pulled out a sheaf of papers – the Shepherd's divorce papers. Not quite willing to believe it she turned to the final page where she was faced with two signatures. She looked at Derek, too stunned to speak. Derek spoke, answering all the questions she had been too afraid to ask "these are just copies, the originals are already with the lawyers, i dropped them off this evening."

"But why? What happened to the trying?"

Derek cupped her face with his hands and whispered "because I don't want us to only exist in the dark. I told Addison that you were never a fling. You were not revenge. I fell in love with you and that never changed even if I had to try with her. I thought that if I waited long enough it would pass but I was an idiot. I've been in love with you forever – so once this divorce is final I'm begging you – pick me, Meredith. Love me."

The tears that had gathered in Meredith's eyes finally spilled over as she grabbed the front of Derek's scrub top and pulled him into a searing kiss and releasing, in that one moment, weeks of repressed feelings – pain, anger, hope, love. When they finally broke apart they stared at each other both reeling from the emotional roller coaster of the past 24 hours. The stood in silence until Meredith took Derek's hand and led him upstairs to her room. As they crossed the threshold Meredith turned, smiled at Derek, eyes twinkling with unshed tears and switched on the light. This time, it was going to be real.


	4. Chapter 4

**What If – chapter 4**

**A.N: First of all, sorry for the delay – I managed to get a couple of days work last week so I've haven't had a lot of time for writing. Second, THANK YOU for all the comments and alerts – it's great to hear that you're enjoying the story. And lastly, thank you to McMerDer for the suggestion for this what if. Keep the suggestions and reviews coming!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy – just a devoted fan having some fun. Patrick Dempsey is on my Christmas list though!**

**What If Meredith was actually pregnant? (3x04)**

"Holy crap! Are you pregnant?"

Thanks Cristina, say it louder, there must be some people in the basement who didn't hear you thought Meredith bitterly as she tried and failed to fight off the second wave of sickness that overcame her. She glanced up to see everyone staring at her and Derek making his way back down the stairs and groaned. As she was being led away between Cristina and George she heard Addison's voice ring out "an adulterous lovechild?" and groaned inwardly – great, if the whole hospital didn't know before they certainly did now. Derek was soon at Meredith's side and was fighting with Bailey in order to stay there. When Bailey told him he'd done enough he simply replied "I appreciate what you're saying Doctor Bailey but I'm asking as her friend." Bailey raised a sceptical eyebrow. "What? We're dating" said Derek "I'll sit by her head and hold her hand, I won't say a word."

"Fine" Bailey conceded looking between Meredith and Derek "but if you say one word you'll be out of that door so fast..." Derek took George's place at Meredith's side and led her down the hall to an empty exam room.

By the time Meredith was in a gown and settled in the exam room she had thrown up twice more but to her utter dismay she had managed to vomit all over Derek's shoes. "I'm sorry" Meredith muttered for the fourth time since the incident wondering why a man would want to stick around her especially after she had emptied the contents of her stomach on his shoes. Derek chuckled, tilting his head on one side "don't worry, I never really liked them that much anyway, you did me a favour." It was moments like this when Meredith wondered why she hadn't made her decision already – Derek was looking at her like she was the centre of his universe, his fingers gently brushing some stray hair away from her eyes even after she had barfed on him! Behind Derek, Cristina was pretending to gag and suddenly burst out "McDreamy, for the love of all things sanitary go and change your shoes – they stink, its making _me_ want to vomit."

"Dr Yang, can I remind you that I am, in fact, your boss?"

"Um...Bailey said no talking and you are not my boss in here." Before Derek could respond Meredith cut in "I'll be fine Derek. Go and change your shoes, they do smell kinda nasty. And..." she smiled sweetly "maybe you could bring me some ice chips on your way back?" Derek rolled his eyes at the blatant attempt to get him to leave the room so that they could talk – most likely about him. "Fine," he said placing a gentle kiss on the top of Meredith's head "I'll be back soon."

"So who's the father?" Cristina asked as soon as the door had clicked shut.

"Was I this mean to you when you were pregnant?" Meredith asked but Cristina just smirked in reply.

"It's would have to be Derek's, there's no way it could be Finn's"

"You haven't had sex with the vet yet?! You have to get out of that relationship...immediately"

Meredith scowled at Cristina's assessment of her situation and groaned. "What if I am pregnant?" she asked in a small voice. Cristina opened her mouth to reply but before she could Bailey came back in looking stern. "I have your results Grey. Do you want to wait for Shepherd?"

"No, it's ok Dr Bailey. If there's anything to tell, I'll tell Derek"

"Tell Derek what?" he said re-entering the room, dressed in street clothes, his face concerned. "I got the rest of the day off" he explained as he made his way back over to Meredith and grabbed her hand.

"That I'm pregnant, right Doctor Bailey?" said Meredith. She felt Derek squeeze her hand tighter as Bailey nodded. Meredith closed her eyes and leaned back against the scratchy pillow on the exam table – pregnant, how could she be pregnant? Well, she knew how she could be pregnant and she even knew how far along she was but that didn't bring her any kind of comfort. When she opened her eyes Cristina and Bailey had left the room and Derek was watching her carefully. "Mer..." he whispered bringing his head closer to hers so that their foreheads were resting against each other.

"Derek, I don't know if I can do this. Look at me, I'm a mess. And you're married. And I'm an intern. And I didn't exactly have the greatest role model..." Derek put his hand over her mouth effectively putting a stop to her rambling and smiled. "You're not a mess, you're beautiful and you are _not_ your matter – if you decide that this is what you want then I have no doubt that you will make a wonderful mother." Meredith moved Derek's hand away. "And you'll make a wonderful father" she smiled. As she spoke Derek lost the battle to restrain his emotions and his blue eyes glistened with unshed tears. "Me?" he said hesitantly. "Yes, you. I never slept with Finn". The guilt that Derek had been trying to suppress since their fight in the stairwell rose up and made him feel nauseous. "I'm so sorry for everything I said Meredith, I didn't mean it. I was so jealous when I saw you coming down those stairs – you looked so comfortable, like you belonged there and it drove me crazy because really I only wanted you to look comfortable in one of my shirts, perched on the counter in the trailer – it drove me crazy." Meredith smiled.

"You don't get jealous"

"Apparently I do, when it comes to you anyway," grinned Derek as he captured her lips in a hard kiss. When they broke apart Meredith bit her lip and said nervously, "this is so complicated Derek. How are we going to do this? I'm an intern. You're still married, at least officially, and then there's..FINN!" Derek turned to see none other than Finn standing at the door of Meredith's room clutching an overly-large bunch of pink flowers. "I came to take you out to lunch but the nurse said you had been taken ill so..." Finn trailed off as he noticed Derek's hand entwined with Meredith's that had strayed to rest on Meredith's stomach. "Um, what's going on?" Finn said shooting Derek a look so angry that Meredith didn't think he had been capable of. Derek, in turn, looked like he was ready to say something very rude in response to Finn's question or worse, punch him and Meredith's mind momentarily wandered to how hot they would look fighting each other...shirtless. 'Damn, hormones work quickly' mused Meredith before saying out loud "Derek, could you give us a minute?" Finn shot Derek a triumphant look but Derek turned to Meredith "I can stay...if you want me to stay, I'll stay."Meredith's head was screaming yes but she shook her head. "Ok then," Derek said "I'll be back soon"

"Take your time" Finn called as the door was closing. "So..." he said turning back to Meredith "how are you feeling?" _Scared, angry, confused, hopeful_ "Fine," said Meredith deciding that listing everything she was actually feeling would be a tad melodramatic. Finn nodded and smiled and Meredith suddenly had the urge to scream – clearly, she was not fine she was laying in an exam room in a hospital, the same exam room she noticed that her _child_ had been conceived in during the slutty, adulterous prom sex. Meredith laughed out loud at the irony of it all. Finn looked like he was ready to take her up to psych and Meredith realised that even if she hadn't been pregnant, she had made her decision. Derek knew her – if he had been here he would have laughed along with her and wouldn't look at her like she had completely lost her mind, he never would have accepted that she was fine and would have understood the massive range of dark and twisty thoughts which were currently running through her brain and would have known exactly what to say to make her feel better knowing that he would have to say it all again when she re-freaked out. "Finn, you should go" Meredith said finally.

"What? I just got here, I don't have any patients. Oh..." he said. "It's Derek"

"It always was" said Meredith honestly.

"He's going to hurt you again" Finn said and with that he stormed out of the room. Before the door had even shut Derek was back by her side. "Were you eavesdropping?" Meredith asked trying her best to sound annoyed but finding it oddly comforting that Derek hadn't actually gone anywhere. "Maybe," Derek replied flashing her his McDreamiest smile and kissing her softly. "You didn't tell him about the baby," he said nervously.

"No" said Meredith "because the baby didn't have anything to do with my choice. When I said I met you and I was done, I meant it. It just took a while to realise it. I choose you – whether there is a baby or not." Derek's face split into a wide grin and his eyes lit up. Meredith smiled back feeling truly happy for the first time since Addison had glided into the hospital and identified her as the 'woman who had been screwing her husband' but the euphoria quickly faded when she remembered that in eight months time she would be responsible for not only herself but another human being.

"You're freaking out" stated Derek, it wasn't a question.

"Just a bit"

"Okay," said Derek "right now, you don't have to worry. We have plenty of time to sort things out." He gently stroked her cheek and brushed away the few tears that had begun to fall. "We?" she said in a small voice. "Yes, I'm not letting you do this alone. You're it for me too, you know." That was another thing she loved about Derek, he said all the right things but on top of that he said even more with his eyes when he wasn't saying anything. In fact, it was his eyes that got her into trouble in the first place, no man had ever looked at her like Derek Shepherd. "I hope the baby has your eyes," she murmured "but maybe not your nose" she giggled. "Hey!" Derek whined, mock offended and captured Meredith's lips. The kiss was rapidly heating up and Derek had virtually crawled onto the exam table on top of her when the door burst open "eugh, can't you control yourself for a few minutes? That's how you ended up with a McBaby in the first place" Cristina's voice echoed down the corridor.

"Cristina," Meredith growled, "everyone will hear you"

"Don't kid yourself Mer, everyone already knows – gossip never sleeps at Seattle Grace"

"Great!" Meredith muttered as Derek re-settled himself in the chair next to her, and not a moment too soon as bailey chose that moment to walk in. "Alright Grey, the rest of your tests suggest that everything is fine. I need you to take the rest of the day off, see the Chief tomorrow about your schedule and make an appointment with OB/GYN. Dr Yang will process your discharge." As Bailey and Cristina left Meredith turned to Derek and smiled "let's go home."

**A.N: Okay, I'm pretty sure that wasn't my best work – I definitely ran out of steam towards the end. Sorry! I will try and make the next one better. Would love to know what you guys think.**


	5. Chapter 5

**What if? – Chapter 5**

**A.N: I've said it before and I'll say it again – thank you so much for all the feedback. It's amazing motivation. Enjoy!**

**What If Meredith had talked to Derek on the morning of the ferry crash instead of shutting him out? (3x15)**

"I'm a surgeon. I do the rescuing. You are not my knight in shining whatever. You're everywhere, all the time, saying stuff..."

Derek smiled. "This is the happily ever after part, and in the happily ever after part the guy is there, all the time, saying stuff, and the girls _love_ it" He bent down and gave her a soft kiss, "and just for the record, I _am_ your knight in shining whatever." He kissed her again and started to make his way downstairs.

"Derek, wait." He turned at the sound of her voice. "I'll come with you." Derek smiled and held out his hand, she took it and they made their way out to the car.

The ride to the hospital was silent both Meredith and Derek sitting focussed on the road in front of them, each lost in their own thoughts. As Derek pulled the car into the parking lot at Seattle Grace he snuck a look over at his girlfriend. She looked tired, actually she looked exhausted which on any other day wouldn't bother Derek – she was an intern, being able to function exhausted was part of the job description – but today, after what he had witness in the tub, there was something more – her eyes seemed dull and lifeless. It was like she was shutting down from the inside and there was nothing he could say to reach her. "Mer..." he said softly, switching of the engine, "we're here." Meredith turned and met Derek's gaze, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. "My mother..." she managed to choke out before she broke down in huge sobs. Derek immediately pulled her into his arms and manoeuvred her over the central console so that she was curled up on his lap, tears soaking the front of his shirt as he whispered soothing words in her ear, "keep breathing, Mer...it's ok, I'm here." Her sobs gradually subsided and her breathing returned to normal but she kept her face turned inwards towards Derek's chest.

"She said I was ordinary, that she raised me to be extraordinary and that she can't believe she's woken up after five years to find that I'm just ordinary." Derek stayed quiet sensing that she had more to say and hating Ellis Grey for what she had done to Meredith. She was usually so strong and independent, yet with a few words her mother had reduced her to the woman he'd found under the water in the tub this morning. "I went back, "she continued quietly "I told her the reason I was so ordinary was her, but she'd gone. I never got to stand up to her so now she thinks I'm weak as well as ordinary."

Derek titled Meredith's head up so that she was looking at him, "Meredith, you need to listen to me...you are anything but ordinary. If your mother had taken the time to know you then she would be able to see that"

"But I haven't chosen a speciality yet...Cristina has."

"So...not knowing what you want to do doesn't make you ordinary. Besides I've already decided – you're choosing neuro" he said with a wink. Meredith giggled.

"You diagnosed an aneurysm on your first day, when even your amazingly handsome and talented attending couldn't work it out. You held a bomb, an actual bomb, in your hand and you didn't run even when everyone else did. You have been in charge of your mother's care and had to keep her secret, you met your father for the first time in twenty years...and you have survived all of it. You are most certainly not ordinary. Besides..." he added with a grin "brilliant neurosurgeons don't fall in love with ordinary people. You are extraordinary, Meredith, in so many more ways than your mother. She was just an extraordinary surgeon, you are an extraordinary _person._" Meredith searched his face for any hint that he was just saying what she wanted to hear but his eyes showed nothing but sincerity; he really believed what he was saying.

"Thank you," she said "I'm okay now."

"Okay then" replied Derek "but you know where to find me if you need me; it's not weak. I won't think any less of you if you need to talk."

Meredith flinched as Derek hit on exactly what she had been afraid of – that if she let Derek in, if he saw how dark and twisty she actually was, even if she cried too often that Derek would see that she was weak and leave, just like her father had.

"You can't scare me away, you know. I love you. I'm your knight in shining whatever, I'm not going anywhere" Derek said, reading Meredith's mind. He placed a gentle kiss on Meredith's forehead, then her cheek and finally her lips, Meredith immediately deepened the kiss but Derek pulled away reluctantly. "We can't do this here," he gestured around to the curious faces of people passing the car. Meredith blushed, "we should probably go inside" she said clambering back over to the passenger side of the car and getting out.

They walked into the hospital hand in hand, Meredith feeling happier than she had felt in a long time, maybe things would work out after all. The elevator doors opened to reveal the Chief and Addison who was sneaking looks at the Chief's head every so often. Meredith moved quickly to stand in the back corner but Derek stayed in front of the Chief "what's different?", he asked. Meredith's eyes widened at Derek trying to get him to stop talking and Addison muttered "leave him be" so Derek moved to stand beside Meredith as Burke and Mark followed him into the elevator. Derek nodded towards them and whispered "watch" as Burke asked "what happened to your hair?"

"You dyed it" interrupted Mark. As the Chief was left to explain that men with grey hair get noticed less than men who don't, Derek felt Meredith bury her face in the back on his jacket shuddering with silent laughter. "Looks good Chief," Derek managed to choke out before he had to bite down on the inside of his mouth to keep from laughing out loud. Burke and Mark added their compliments before Addison intervened. "He is alone," she hissed "all alone. Do any of you know what that's like?" She gestured towards Burke "lives with Cristina", Derek "dates the perfect twelve year old" and finally Mark "manwhore!!"

At that point Meredith began to choke from trying to restrain her giggles and luckily for them the elevator chimed at that moment and the doors opened allowing them to escape. Meredith stood in the corridor doubled over with laughter and Derek was relieved to finally hear her laugh again. "I should go" she said. She leaned over and kissed him before turning and heading towards the intern's locker room.

By the time Derek reached the dock, later that day, he was almost frantic with worry. The images on the news of the burning ferry was etched into his memory and all he could think was that Meredith had been one of the first to arrive on the scene and hadn't been seen since except by the now silent little girl who was clutching his hand. The rest of Bailey's interns were on their way back to Seattle Grace with patients and hadn't seen Meredith except to say that they had seen her helping this little girl much earlier. As the girl raised her finger to point out over the water Derek's heart stopped but before he could move he heard panting coming from below him. He looked over the edge to find Meredith trying to haul herself out of the water but slipping back each time. Derek though off his jacket and completely forgetting about the little girl he charged down the rickety steps just as Meredith slipped back into the water again, cursing. Derek lay flat on his stomach and grabbed Meredith's arm keeping her from slipping back under the water again. "Derek" she said, her voice shaking "it's really cold." Her arms were almost the same colour as her scrubs and she was shaking so violently that Derek was struggling to keep his hold on her.

"I'm tired, Derek" she said softly. "I know you are Mer, but I need you to help me here, I need you to pull yourself up one more time, okay?" replied Derek with a hint of desperation in his voice. _She can't give up, I can't lose her_. "Okay" she said. Derek stood up and grabbed her under her arms and pulled with every last bit of his strength. The combined force of Meredith and Derek caused Derek to topple backwards onto the dock pulling Meredith out on top of him. "That was great, Mer" Derek said as he scrambled to his feet and picked up Meredith, carrying her up the stairs "just stay awake for me, okay, I need you to stay awake." Meredith's teeth were chattering as he placed his jacket around her as tightly as he could; she looked like a child, his coat dwarfing her tiny frame. "Now who's being bossy?" she said as she huddled closer to Derek. Derek chuckled as he picked her up and carried her over the waiting ambulances.

In the chaos of their arrival back at Seattle Grace Derek had somehow agreed to wait in the waiting room. He had tried to argue but Bailey had sent him away like a naughty child and hadn't heard anything since. "Hard to get any of these doctors to talk to you," said the man sitting to Derek's left "I'm waiting on my wife."

"Yeah, my girlfriend was there" replied Derek. After the man promised to put Meredith in his prayers, Derek sat with his head in his hands wondering if he had done enough, unable to believe that he was faced with having to think about life without her. She had saved him from drowning and now he could only hope that he had managed to do the same for her.

Just at the moment Bailey emerged from Meredith's room. Derek ran over but before he could speak Bailey held up her hand. "She's been asking for you" she said kindly and stepped aside. Meredith was lying in bed under several layers of blankets but she was her usual colour, she was awake but more importantly she was smiling.

"Hey"

"Hey," he replied as he moved to take the seat next to her bed. "You look cosy" he said nodding to all the blankets.

"Yeah, I didn't think I was ever going to warm up," she bit her lip nervously, "thank you, you know, for saving me. I was just about to give up. I was so cold and tired." Derek moved to sit next to her on the bed and gathered her up in his arms.

"You don't need to thank me. You saved me first."

**A.N: I am aware that the ending is a little on the cheesy side, but I'm afraid, occasionally I like a little cheese! Besides, I loved Derek's drowning metaphor and the idea that Meredith saved him then he literally saves Meredith – I'm a big fan of little parallels like that – obviously I spend waaay to much time thinking about this sort of thing but, hey! I'm an English literature student, it's what i do! Hope you enjoyed it anyway – please review and let me know what you think!**


	6. Chapter 6

**What If – chapter 6**

**A.N: Sorry for the delay – I have just started a new job so there hasn't been a whole lot of time for writing. So, this what if is a little bit random and possibly out of character but I thought I would give it a try anyway. This is an idea that has been knocking around in the back of my mind for a while now so I thought I would try and fit in here. **_**Jane Eyre **_**is my favourite book in the whole world and there are so many similarities between this story and Meredith and Derek's in season one and two and as an English Lit graduate I read way into much into this sort of thing! I never really thought of Mer as someone who reads either but then in Give Peace a Chance she mentioned trying to read **_**Anna Karenina**_** so I thought maybe this might work. I would love to know what you think. All the italics are quotes from **_**Jane Eyre.**_

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy or Jane Eyre – my writing does not compare to either.**

**What If Meredith had picked up a book instead of returning to the hospital? (2x13)**

"There," Meredith said, pleased with herself "five loads of laundry. I have literally washed the past out of my life." Doc looked up at her as if to say 'don't kid yourself' but Meredith ignored him. She had been sent home from the hospital and had headed straight for the shower and attempted to wash away the feeling of Derek's eyes on her in the elevator. But the entire time she had been totally preoccupied by his words

"I'm over you too"

"Really?"

"No"

She had desperately tried to play it cool, but inside she was leaping around with joy – he wasn't over her. But once the elevator doors had opened she had crashed back to reality and was now determined to forget all about it. New Year, new start...no thinking about Derek...she was over him...really.

No more than a few minutes after washing away her past, there was nothing to do. Stupid eighty hour limit, how was she supposed to not think about Derek when there was nothing to do except sit and think about Derek? Meredith began searching her house for something to do, anything to get her mind off of the thing she wasn't supposed to be thinking about.

She was on the verge of giving up and going back to the hospital when she found Doc in her room chewing happily on a book that had been under her bed. She wrestled it out of Doc's jaws she wiped away the drool and looked down at the cover. Jane Eyre. She remembered starting it years ago before Derek, before med school, before Europe but she had given up on it because the story of the cruelty suffered by the orphaned Jane at the hands of her family had been too much for her. Especially since it was at a time when she was feeling particularly lonely and rejected by her own mother; it had hit too close to home so she hadn't got further than the chapter when Jane gets sent away to school. Maybe now was the time to try again. It would at least stop her from driving herself crazy thinking about Derek. She settled down in the chair in the corner of her room and began to read. She skimmed through the opening few chapters but still recognised the feelings of loneliness felt by the young heroine of the book. In fact, she thought change Aunt Reed's name to Ellis Grey and she could have been reading her own life story. She read for hours, she had forgotten how enthralling the writing was and was relieved to find that a few hours later all her thoughts had been Derek-free. Then she reached the chapter when the hero made his entrance into the story. Mr Rochester.

As she read on the details of the plot became even more familiar. Woman starts new job and falls madly in love with her boss. Yep, Meredith could relate to that; the problem was now images of Derek swooping around in nineteenth century costume, all dark and brooding, were going round and round in her head to the point where she had to put the book down.

Hours later the words were still circling her head except now it wasn't Rochester saying them, it was Derek – _I offer you my hand, my heart and a share of all my possessions...I ask you to pass through life by my side...my bride is here because my equal is here, and my likeness_ – no one talks like that anymore thought Meredith as she cut away her split ends. Her musings were interrupted when she glanced at the clock and noticed it was time to return to the hospital and the real world. The world where she was alone and the love of her life was married only not to her. As she was running out of her room she noticed the book sitting abandoned on the arm of her chair, she stared at it debating whether or not she should read on. What was the point? Did she really want to read about someone whose situation was so similar to her own but who managed to get their happy ending when hers was out of reach? Making her decision she grabbed the book and stuffed it into her bag, rationalising that she would be too busy on call to breathe let alone read.

She couldn't have been more wrong. Meredith had been on call for an hour and hadn't been paged once. The citizens of Seattle seemed to be on their best behaviour leaving Meredith with plenty of time on her hands. Glancing at the surgical board she noticed that Derek had just started a craniotomy – might as well learn something while I've got some time, she thought and headed to the gallery. She took a seat in the back row and pulled out her book from the pocket of her lab coat. Learning could wait a few pages she reasoned. She started to read, eyes involuntarily glancing up to look at Derek whenever Rochester appeared on the page. She hadn't been there long when Derek noticed her. He could she her hunched over, brows furrowed in an adorable look of concentration. The corners of his mouth tugged upwards into a smile, his surgical mask hiding this display of emotion from the prying eyes of those around him.

Up in the gallery Meredith was totally lost in the world of the book, anticipation building along with the characters as the wedding day approached. But, once again, as in her own life Jane's world came crashing down in just a few words...

_The marriage cannot go on: I declare the existence of an impediment...Mr Rochester has a wife now living._

Meredith slammed the book shut and raised her hand to her cheek to find it damp with tears, more similarities. Derek...Rochester – they were the same. Stupid men with their secret wives. Echoes of 'and you mut be the woman whose been screwing my husband' swirled around in Meredith's brain as she saw her own heartbreak reflected in the words on the page – _my hopes were all dead – struck with a subtle doom_.

Down in the OR Derek was finishing up when he glanced up into the gallery to catch Meredith furiously swiping tears off of her cheeks as she continued to look down at something in her hands, a patients chart he assumed. He felt the smallest pang of disappointment that she was not crying for him. Maybe she was really over him. He didn't want to believe her earlier that day in the elevator, especially as he was more in love with her than ever. He immediately suppressed this feeling; he had no right to think like that. He left her. He couldn't expect her to sit pining for him when he had a wife t go home to. He had made his choice, even if it was the wrong one, he had to live with it. Derek turned to the resident on his right and asked him to close and scrubbed out as quickly as he could without making people suspicious. He headed for the gallery completely forgetting the promise he had made to Addison to come straight home when his surgery was finished. So much for his New Year's resolution to try harder.

Up in the gallery Meredith was oblivious to anything but the words on the page in front of her. She was thinking back to the night she had driven out to the trailer to hear what Derek had to say about his wife's arrival while reading Rochester tell his side of the story. Like Meredith, Jane had given Rochester a chance to explain but unlike Meredith she had forgiven him – _I forgave him all: yet not in words, not outwardly; only at my heart's core._

Just as she was admiring Jane's courage at not submitting to being Rochester's mistress and leaving him behind the door of the gallery open and in stepped the very man who had occupied her thoughts all day

_I must leave him, it appears. I do not want to leave him – I cannot leave him_

"Hey," he said softly taking the sat next to her and looking down into the gradually emptying OR below "are you okay?"

_There was such deep remorse in his eye, such true pity in his tone, such manly energy in his manner; and besides, there was such unchanged love in his whole look_

"Yeah," Meredith replied, willing herself to look up at him even though she knew she would be totally helpless as soon as she did. "What are you doing up here?" he asked reaching out to brush away the last few tears which had escaped.

_I remembered caresses were now forbidden. I turned my face away_

Meredith flinched back and Derek's eyes filled with hurt. "What, I can't even be your friend? You're upset. Let me help. I'm a great listener you know" he smirked.

_There is neither room nor claim for me, sir_

"We can't be friends" Meredith replied sadly, "you have a wife, you can't stay friends with me too. I'm not sure I could take it." Her voice cracked and she broke down into sobs.

_The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself_

Derek held Meredith close as she sobbed and the book fell to the floor with a soft thud. Derek reached down to pick it up keeping one arm wrapped around Meredith's shoulders. "Working hard I see," he said quietly with a small smile, "what's it about?"

"It's a love story," replied Meredith.

"A love story? I would never have pegged you for the love story type."

"Don't peg me, I'm not peggable" smiled Meredith. Derek chuckled as he pulled her closer so that her head rested on his shoulder. They sat lost in their own thoughts, relishing the contact between them. In that moment the gallery became their own private bubble, no on existed but them, anything was possible. "I want you to know," began Derek softly "that what we had was real, it wasn't just a fling."

"I know" Meredith murmured.

_I do love you...more than ever: but I must not show or indulge that feeling and this is the last time I must express it_

She pulled away and looked into Derek's eyes

_He seemed to devour me with his flaming glance: physically, I felt, at that moment,_ _powerless_

And was immediately drawn to him, they leaned closer, lips almost touching but at that moment her pager went off and she snapped back to reality. She leapt up and headed for the door but stopped when she reached it.

"Good night Derek,"

"Good night Meredith"

'_Farewell' was the cry of my heart as I left him. Despair added – 'farewell forever'_

As the door clicked shut Derek looked down at the book in his hands, opened it and began to read.

**A.N: So I'm ending it here because I could go on forever about the similarities between **_**Jane Eyre**_** and Meredith and Derek's story right down to talking about imagery but I'm finding it more difficult to weave a plot around that and I'm pretty sure if I started talking about imagery it would get boring really fast. I will just say that Patrick Dempsey is a total master of the "flaming glance" that Bronte describes Rochester as having! Plus I don't want to give any more of the plot of **_**Jane Eyre**_** away because I think it's awesome and I don't want to spoil it for anyone – if you do want to know what happens in the book then PM me and I will tell you.**

**I know it's not really a proper what if but I will leave it to your imaginations to decide what comes next. Please take a few minutes to review or to leave a suggestion for a new what if. **


	7. Chapter 7

**What If – Chapter 7**

**A.N: So again sorry for the massive delay – I hope there are still a few of you reading! Real life suddenly got very busy. Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to comment of the last chapter, it means a lot and is really encouraging me to keep writing. So this What If was suggested by Television Lover – I hope you like it! Please leave a review letting me know what you think. Enjoy and Happy New Year!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Grey's Anatomy – the closest I have is my very yummy Patrick Dempsey calendar! **

**What If Meredith had left with Derek after the prom (2x27)?**

"Meredith?.."

There it was...her choice laid out in front of her. Finn was looking between her and Derek, gradually piecing everything together. He took a step towards Meredith but she instinctively stepped back towards Derek. Finn was sweet and caring and unmarried but it was what he wasn't that bothered Meredith more. He wasn't Derek. He didn't drive her crazy, he didn't make it impossible for her to feel normal, he didn't make her sick to her stomach thinking about his wife touching her with his hands. Finn was the guy you got to pretend to be your boyfriend in high school because you parents would approve while you secretly dated the motorcycle-riding badass who you drunkenly made out with at parties. Derek was...Derek, the no-longer-motorcycle-riding badass brain surgeon who you fell in love with after drunken sex on your living room floor. He was capable of more passion and intensity in one look than Finn had been since she met him.

"Meredith?" it was Finn's voice, more insistent than Derek's which broke into her thoughts. This was it...decision time, 'or not' Meredith thought as she turned on her heel and ran towards the hospital doors. She had made it all the way to her car before she realised that her purse and her car keys were still in her locker...inside the hospital. Cursing herself for leaving it behind she turned to sneak back into the building hopefully avoiding Finn, and Derek, and Addison, and Callie and Bailey if she could manage it. But as she turned she crashed into someone, a distinctly male someone.

"Crap" muttered Meredith as she slipped off of her heel, her ankle twisting painfully.

"Crap?" grinned Derek as he grabbed her arms to steady her. "You're trying to avoid me."

"Yes" said Meredith smiling at the memory of the strikingly similar conversation they had had outside the hospital after Bailey had caught them in Derek's car. "But I also have to go and check on Izzie and my purse is inside and so is Addison, and Finn.. " Meredith trailed off but Derek understood straight away.

"Come on" he said nodding in the direction of his car, "I'll drive you home." Before Meredith could object or even think about what would happen if she was seen getting into Derek's car minutes after she had run away from the guy she was supposed to be dating Derek's hand was on her back and was guiding her towards his car. He opened the door and she slid gratefully inside, hoping that no one had seen her.

The drive back to Meredith's was silent but the atmosphere was so charged that Meredith was expecting to see sparks crackling in the air above their heads. She thought back to the events of the past few hours. Doc dying, the brush of Derek's hand in the vet's office, the prom, Derek looking at her, the dirty-adulterous-exam-room-sex, finding Izzie clinging to Denny's dead body...if the last few hours had taught her anything it was that you never know what's around the corner, and that you should take chances before they're gone. Derek's voice broke into her reverie, "Mer, we're here". Meredith looked over at the man she loved. His eyes were tired and his hair was unkempt from both hers and his hands running through it but he was still perfect, still McDreamy. If this was her chance she should take it. "I don't know what to say to her," she admitted quietly.

"Losing a patient is never easy," Derek replied, a little surprised that she was confiding in him after the long silence of the journey. Meredith could feel the tears welling up in her eyes, for Denny, for Izzie, for Derek, for herself and she said "Denny wasn't just a patient. They were in love. He proposed, they were going to get married..." She looked up at Derek, "he was her happily ever after." Neither Meredith nor Derek noticed how or when the shift had occurred but suddenly they weren't talking about Izzie and Denny anymore and they both knew it. "Losing the one you love is unbearable" murmured Derek reaching out and gently stroking Meredith's cheek. Meredith closed her eyes and leaned into his touch, allowing the rest of the world to disappear for a few minutes. "Come on," he said "I'll take you in, I can help, I'll make tea or something. You need people around," he finished quietly.

Meredith nodded and got out of the car. Derek followed her up to the door and she knocked softly not even bothering to reach for the spare key. The door was pulled violently open by an angry-looking Cristina. "Where have you been?" she hissed " I am totally out of my depth here, Izzie is the optimistic one, I don't do optimistic plus this is clearly a time for hugging and I don't hug." She suddenly noticed Derek standing behind Meredith and raised an eyebrow at Meredith. "He drove me home. I left my purse at the hospital, he's here to help." Cristina just rolled her eyes and moved aside to let Meredith and Derek walk inside.

The sight that greeted them was a surreal one. Izzie was seated at the island, still in her gown, flanked on either side by Alex and George. George was awkwardly patting Izzie's arm in an attempt to be comforting while Alex was lost in his own world staring straight ahead. The remnants of Izzie's tears were evident from the mascara tracks down her cheeks but she had stopped crying and was staring straight ahead, not seeing anything. A few eyebrows raised at the sight of Derek behind Meredith but nobody said anything.

"Dr Stevens," Derek's voice broke into the hush "you should get changed." Izzie looked up at Derek looking like a child lost in the woods, nodded and began making her way out of the kitchen. As she passed Derek he put his hand on her arm and muttered quietly "I know it doesn't feel like it right now but it will get better. It feels unbearable, like you'll never be happy again but you will. Denny would want you to be happy again. And just because you're happy doesn't mean you've forgotten Denny. Don't feel guilty about living and being happy. Life is too short to be miserable, and Denny wouldn't want that." Izzie nodded again and left the room leaving the others in a stunned silence. Derek immediately began moving around the kitchen making drinks for everyone and Meredith couldn't help notice how well he fit in here in her kitchen. He looked at home, more comfortable than she had seen him since Addison arrived.

"Um...Dr Shepherd" stammered George, "how did you know what to say? We've been trying to get through to her since we got back and nothing worked." Derek turned and looked at the younger man who had fallen in love with the same woman as him and sighed. "I know what it's like to lose someone you love. It's the same thing my mom said to my when my dad died." George's mouth formed a small 'o' and Derek was forced to turn away to hide the sudden surge of emotions that he couldn't control. Seeing how he was overcome Meredith walked up to Derek and wrapped her arms around his waist leaning her head against his back. There was the sound of a scuffle behind them and Cristina's voice hissed "back off O'Malley, I wanna watch this." There was more muttering before Cristina finally gave in. "Fine, I'll go. But if they end up having sex on the counter, it's on you" she said loudly as George and Alex dragged her out of the room.

Derek took a deep breath, "two guys shot my Dad. For his watch. My mom had saved up for it. They came into the store and shot him. It only takes a minute for your whole life to be turned upside down, a split second and your world changes completely. He would have loved you"

At these words Meredith clung to Derek even tighter, suddenly she wasn't the only one who was broken. Izzie was broken, Derek was broken, and Burke had been shot so he was probably broken too. Before she could do anything Derek broke out of her grasp and made his way towards the front door turning back to Meredith as he out his hand on the door handle, "life is too short not to be happy Mer" and with that he was gone.

**Two months later**

"Calm down, Mer, it's Derek" Izzie said as she sat cross-legged on Meredith's bed watching her friend flinging clothes around her room in a desperate attempt to find something to wear for her second first date with Derek.

After leaving Meredith's house the evening of the prom Derek had gone straight to Addison and said he wanted a divorce, admitting that the love he had for Meredith wasn't fading, if anything it was getting stronger and that he was sorry that they hadn't been able to make their marriage work and taking the blame entirely on himself. Addison understood and wished him well and two weeks later was on a flight to L.A to begin work at the practice run by her best friend Naomi. Their divorce was finalised two weeks later and that very day Meredith was on her way home when her cell phone started ringing...

_I'm told dating begins with a casual invitation to dinner?_

_Does it?_

_Yes, so Meredith, would you like to go to dinner with me?_

Meredith had managed to resist him while she worked through all her feelings of doubt and guilt finally deciding that she was, in her words, ready to lean into the fear to get her happy ending and that it was her turn to be happy.

All this led up to tonight and her current crisis about what she was going to wear. "I know its Derek, Iz, but it's still a date and you're supposed to be nervous on dates." Izzie just shrugged and continue to flick through the magazine she was holding "at least you already know the sex is good" she said and was hit in the head with a pillow that Meredith had flung in her direction.

"Seriously Mer, McDreamy wouldn't care if you turned up in sweats or naked, actually he might prefer you to be naked but he's so disgustingly in love with you it wouldn't matter what you wore," said Cristina walking in and sitting next to Izzie "oh, and he's downstairs."

"What?!" shrieked Meredith as she pulled on a black fitted sweater and jeans "crap, crap, crap" she muttered as she ran around her room trying to find her other shoe, preferably the other black boot but she was in such a rush that she probably would have settled for any other black shoe if it got her out the door faster.

"Mer, Derek's waiting downstairs" said George poking his head into Meredith's room.

"I know George," snapped Meredith "I just need my other shoe – crap, don't tell him that, he'll think I'm a complete mess compared to Addison who probably had a pair of shoes to match everything she owned and never had to face the possibility of going on a date wearing only one shoe"

Cristina stood up and grabbed Meredith by the shoulders cutting her off in mid-ramble "Meredith, pull yourself together. Derek. Chose. You. Addison is gone, he wants you, he wants to marry you and have lots of sex and McBabies. Now go." She thrust Meredith's other shoe into her hand and pushed her out of the door and towards the top of the stairs. Meredith stumbled but at the top of the stairs she stopped and took a deep breath, she could just see the top of Derek's head as he paced at the bottom of the stairs. She smiled, pulled on her shoes and walked down the stairs to find her happy ending.

**A.N: Thanks for reading – let me know what you think or any suggestions for other what ifs. **


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